After 20 years together, you’d think we’d be experts at this love thing.
But the truth is—we’re still figuring it out.
We’ve learned a lot. Mostly the hard way. Some of it surprised us.
Some of it saved us.
We thought we’d share a few things we’ve picked up along the way—not because we’ve got it all sorted, but because we haven’t. And that’s kind of the point.
1. You change. They change. You stay curious.
We are not the same people we were when we first met.
Thank god.
Back then, we thought love was about being perfectly compatible. Now we know it’s more like dancing with someone who’s always learning new steps. You have to keep watching. Keep listening. Keep adjusting your rhythm. Sometimes you trip over each other. Sometimes you step away and dance alone for a while. But you always come back together.
2. Sex changes, too. That’s not a bad thing.
Let’s be honest—it’s not always fireworks and tangled sheets.
Sometimes it’s sleepy Sunday mornings or a quick kiss before work.
Sometimes it’s a dry spell. (Okay, sometimes it’s a desert.)
But when we stopped chasing some mythical “ideal” version of sex and started tuning in to what we actually wanted—what felt good, what made us laugh, what made us feel connected—things shifted. Intimacy became less about performance and more about play. That was a big one for us.
3. Arguments don’t mean it’s broken.
We’ve had some doozies.
Frank once stormed out in the middle of a fight and came back three hours later with a lemon tree.
(We still don’t know why. It’s thriving.)
But what we’ve learned is this: it’s not whether you argue—it’s how you repair. Saying “I was wrong” or “That hurt me” or even just “Can we try again?” is the real magic. The love isn’t in the perfection. It’s in the rebuilding.
4. You still have to choose each other.
We used to think love would just carry us.
Now we know: love is something you have to wake up and pick, over and over.
In the middle of stress, bills, sick kids, long workdays, misunderstandings—you choose.
Sometimes it’s easy. Sometimes it’s an act of sheer will.
But choosing each other, especially when it’s hard, is what builds the kind of love that lasts.
5. Playfulness is underrated.
There’s nothing more attractive than someone who can still make you laugh until your ribs hurt.
We flirt. We tease. We send dumb memes and steal each other’s socks.
Some of our most connected moments have come not from candlelit dinners, but from late-night games, ridiculous inside jokes, and spontaneous kitchen dance parties. (Blair is undefeated in interpretive dance battles. Frank still disputes this.)
6. You don’t have to do it the “right” way.
We’ve let go of a lot of rules: how often couples should have sex, how they should communicate, who should do what around the house, how emotions “should” be handled. We’ve learned to make our own rules—ones that fit us, not a fantasy version of who we’re supposed to be.
And weirdly enough, that’s where things got easier.
7. It’s okay to ask for help.
Therapy helped us learn how to talk without landmines.
Books helped us understand ourselves.
Friends reminded us we weren’t the only ones struggling.
Even games—yes, actual games—gave us new ways to connect. When the conversations felt heavy or awkward, sometimes play opened the door.
That’s why we developed this site. If it helped us, maybe it would help others.
That brings us to this.
Love isn’t always poetic. Sometimes it’s incredibly ordinary.
It’s in the way we load the dishwasher differently.
It’s in the silent apology of a hand on your back.
It’s in starting again, and again, and again.
After 20 years, we’ve stopped trying to be perfect partners.
Now we just try to be kind. Curious. Real.
And still—thankfully—very much in love.
(Even if he still can't figure out the dishwasher.)
You want to start that now?
I mean it's been 20 years. How hard can it be?
Oh don’t get on your high horse.
High horse? Did you seriously just say that?
You've said worse. Like—
(Okay, we’re going to finish this conversation offline.)
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